The Wrong End of the Stick
by Lucillia
Summary: When the Sandaime makes the mistake of telling a young Naruto about his mother, the boy jumps to certain conclusions. Matters aren't helped when Asuma realizes that this is the perfect opportunity to prank his father. Now, Naruto wants to be like his father the Hokage...The Sandaime Hokage.
1. Mistaken Assumptions

The Third Hokage sighed as the small boy in front of him once again asked about his parents. He didn't want to lie to the boy, but he knew that revealing such information would put the child's life in danger. If anyone outside of Konoha learned that Naruto was the son of the Fourth Hokage...

The child was unusually persistent this time, and it was becoming harder for him to keep his silence. In most universes he would say nothing, but in this one...

"Naruto, I can't tell you about your father, but I did know your mother." The Hokage said with a sigh, praying that he was making the right decision. Unlike Konoha's Yellow Flash and Fourth Hokage Namikaze Minato, Uzumaki Kushina of Whirlpool had been a relative unknown outside certain circles, and the few who had known of Minato and Kushina's relationship had kept silent throughout the years. Telling Naruto about his mother would be far safer than telling him about his father.

"Really?!" the blond ten year-old asked, his eyes widening in surprise, before scowling because the old man had been holding out on him for years.

"I wanted to wait until you were able to take care of yourself before I told you about your family. Your father made a large number of enemies who wouldn't hesitate to kill you if they knew that you were his son." The Hokage said as he rooted through his desk looking for a couple items that had been recovered from the wreckage of a certain house that had been destroyed during the Nine-tailed Fox's rampage. He had planned on giving them and a few items that had belonged to Minato to Naruto when he became a Jonin, at which point he had planned on telling the boy about both of his parents.

"Uzumaki Kushina was a very kind and very beautiful woman who made friends wherever she went. She was also alot like you are now when she was your age. I even had to reprimand her for some of the pranks she had pulled shortly after arriving in Konoha." The Hokage said as he finally located the headband bearing the symbol of a country that no longer existed and the scroll containing what looked to be several prank Water Jutsu and a manual on the uses of numerous non-standard weapons as well as a beginner's booklet on creating seals.

"Her family came from a small island country called Whirlpool, that ceased to be after the fall of Uzushiogakure after the end of the Second War. She was an orphan who arrived with a small group of refugees during the war." The Hokage continued as he set the items on his desk, hoping Naruto didn't spot his little white lie since he wasn't going to say a word about the Kyuubi to its current host, especially considering the number of kidnapping attempts - successful and otherwise - that had been made on his mother when Kushina's status as a Jinchuriki had gotten out.

"These belonged to her. I was told that the headband was worn by her father and her grandfather before him and therefore is something of a family heirloom. I request that you only use what's in the scroll on your enemies, because if I find you using the listed techniques as pranks I will take the scroll back until I decide you're mature enough for me to return it to you since I was going to wait until you were older to give these to you, but I think I might have kept them from you long enough." The Hokage said as he handed the scroll and headband to the boy.

Naruto accepted the items, holding them reverently and looking at them with an expression of awe. He sat there staring at them for several minutes.

"Thanks Old Man!" he yelled abruptly as he got up and raced towards the door, cradling both items as if they were precious treasures.

* * *

Teuchi looked down at his favorite customer and saw something he hadn't seen in a over two decades, the symbol of the Shinobi of the former country of Whirlpool. When the country had been conquered by the combined forces of Kumo, Iwa, and Kiri and Uzu had been overrun by Ninja during the Second Shinobi War, his family had been amongst the few to escape to Konoha. Unlike Uzumaki Kushina who had been his best customer before her death however, he had been a civilian. His favorite cousin who had died with their home had been a Ninja though.

"You shouldn't wear that until after you graduate from the Academy." He said pointing to the headband Naruto was wearing like a collar - since he couldn't fit it over the goggles that someone had anonymously given him for his seventh birthday - after he set a bowl of Ramen down in front of the boy who was busy asking Umino Iruka if he knew his mother.

"Why not?" Naruto asked before he dug in.

"Other than the fact that it's bad luck?" he replied.

"Bad luck?" Naruto asked.

"Wearing one of those before it is earned is practically begging for misfortune to befall you." he replied.

Naruto grumbled as he untied the headband and put it in one of his voluminous coat pockets.

Umino Iruka, who had been treating the Uzumaki boy yet again poked Naruto to distract him from his dark musings and said "You'd better eat up, or your ramen will go cold."

Before Naruto started eating however, he looked up at Teuchi with a inquiring expression.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Did you know my mother?" Naruto asked.

"Sure, she was my best customer." he replied before launching into a story about the child's mother since it was apparently safe to do that at least. He had of course been forced to carefully edit the story in order to leave out the child's father just in case.

* * *

Two days after the Sandaime had told him about his mother, Naruto sat in his favorite tree thinking. When he mentioned had told his class about his mother, several students pointed out that he was obviously illegitimate since he had her family name. The Old Man had said that the reason he had her name was because his father had made a bunch of enemies, but it was also possible that they were right.

His classmates had started picking on him the instant school let out, saying that his father didn't want him. But what if his father did want him? What if his father had hid him to keep him safe and was alive somewhere? His enemies must have been real dangerous if The Old Man was so afraid of them that he wasn't going to say anything about his parents until he grew up.

Why was The Old Man afraid of his father's enemies? Why did The Old Man talk about his mother like he liked her alot and was really sad she was gone? Could it be...?

* * *

"Minato, where did I go wrong? What did I do to make me deserve this?" Sarutobi Hiruzen moaned three days later when he had heard the conclusions Naruto had jumped to about the identity of his father.

Somehow, Naruto had come to the conclusion that he was his illegitimate son. Once Naruto had grabbed onto something, it usually took an epic struggle to make him let it go and it didn't look like Naruto was going to let this go any time soon. That night, when he discussed his dilemma with his younger son Asuma during a rare shared meal, the man whose diapers he had changed laughed, forgetting he had food in his mouth until it sprayed across the table. After chewing and swallowing what was left, he started laughing again and laughed so hard he had nearly stopped breathing.

* * *

The next morning Iruka swallowed nervously when Asuma Sarutobi entered the classroom and asked for Naruto, Mizuki barely held back a smirk at the thought of the fox getting what it deserved for spreading that lie about the Hokage, and Naruto nervously walked up to the man and left with him.

They walked until Asuma found an empty room and ushered him inside. He gestured for the boy to be silent before he set up some privacy seals to deter eavesdroppers.

"My father's probably going to skin me alive for telling you this but, welcome to the family." Asuma said smiling and chuckling. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't go telling anyone else though, seeing as it's supposed to be a secret."

"But why...?" Naruto started, wondering why the Old Man didn't want anyone to know he was his son. Did he not want him?

"Well, you see, it's like this..." Asuma said, as he started on a tale of star crossed lovers and an affair that could bring down the Hokage if anyone knew, barely keeping his laughter inside as he watched the child lap it up.

_That's what you get for pawning me off on that stupid tutor dad._ Asuma thought as he sent a certain Jinchuriki back to class in a much better mood.

* * *

A month and a half later, a Naruto who had suddenly started spending a great deal of time in the Konoha library came to class grinning in a manner that was oddly familiar. Iruka remembered the chaos that had resulted from the last time Naruto stood in front of the class puffed up like that. Before Iruka could stop him, Naruto made his announcement.

"I'm gonna be a Hokage just like my..." Naruto started.

_Oh Crap, Oh Crap, Oh Crap._ Iruka thought _Naruto's going to claim to be related to the Fourth Hokage this time and he'll get into some serious trouble._

"First Cousins thrice removed." Naruto continued, listing his next closest relations who were Hokage since he couldn't say a word about his real father because that evil one-eyed Danzo man would use it to steal the hat from him.

The collective "WHAT?!" could be heard across the village. The class erupted into chaos with people talking over each-other most of them saying something along the lines of "Yeah right" and "Liar".

When Iruka finally got the class to quiet down, before calmly walking over to Naruto, smacking him over the head and yelling "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT FALSELY CLAIMING TO BE RELATED TO THE HOKAGE?!"

Naruto rubbed his head and whined before pulling a set of notes and what looked like some sort of chart out of his pocket.

"There's nothing false about it!" Naruto snapped "My mother was Uzumaki Kushina who was the daughter of Uzumaki Akira who was the son of Uzumaki Kintaro who was the son of Uzumaki Hikaru who married Senju Kanna who was the First and Second Hokages' aunt. Look it up, it's all on that giant Senju family tree thing in the Library that no-one looks at."

* * *

Author's Note: According to Wikipedia, if someone's great-great-great-grandparent is someone's grandparent, they are first cousins thrice removed. So if, for instance the 1st and 2nd Hokages' aunt married Naruto Uzumaki's Great-Great-Grandfather as in this story they would be so related and such a thing could be entirely possible since Kishimoto had indicated that the Uzumaki and Senju clans had intermarried. According to the chart, Naruto and Tsunade would be Third Cousins Once Removed.


	2. Spending Time With Family

The Sandaime sighed. Naruto had been trying to spend more time with him lately for some reason that the boy refused to elaborate on, and it was making it more difficult for him to get his work done, especially when Naruto was making an effort to be quiet. Unless he was planning, carrying out, or fleeing from the scene of a prank, Naruto couldn't be still and quiet to save his life. Seeing as Naruto actually wasn't planning a prank, or deliberately trying to destroy anything in his office and cover up said destruction, Naruto's attempts at being quiet involved a great deal of growling and twitching which constantly drew his attention seeing as it came after a random interval of silence that lasted anywhere between thirty seconds and two minutes.

Short of sealing his office against intrusions by the Uzumaki which would become a hassle since he'd have to replace the seal every time the boy was brought in for other reasons as he usually was at least once a week, keeping the boy out was impossible. Had the boy utilized the skills he'd employed in order to invade his office at the Academy, his father's Uchiha namesake's position at the top of the class would've been a bit shaky. As it was, the ANBU who were assigned to guard him had developed a semi-permanent twitch that manifested itself every time Naruto was in the vicinity.

"Hey, t- Old Man!" a rather bored Naruto who'd been sitting by his feet for the last hour destroying any and every document that "fell" off his desk said. "Don't you do anything other than paperwork?"

"I go to meetings, supervise the Mission Assignment desk, do calligraphy and read during my lunch hour, review potential ANBU candidates, check up on the Academy, visit my sensei, father, and wife's graves once a week, get three hours of training in each evening and sleep four to six hours each night." he replied.

"That's not much." Naruto said.

"You get used to it." he replied. "Being Hokage takes up almost all of your time, and leaves very little time for other things like family. My children hardly ever saw me growing up, and about the only times I see my grandson Konohamaru who's four years younger than you is when he barges into my office to attack me."

Naruto looked thoughtful at this.

"So," Naruto said hesitantly and almost hopefully after a while. "I see you more?"

After doing a bit of calculation, he realized much to his surprise that the answer was yes, he saw Naruto more each week than he had often seen his own children and grandson outside mealtimes and said as much. Following this confirmation, he wondered why Naruto seemed so happy to learn that he saw him more often than his own family did outside mealtimes. Before he could ask however, his "Council" who were apparently bored decided to invade his office. Upon spotting them, Naruto rapidly paled and scooted away from him before making some excuse he only half understood, and his council didn't understand at all based on their expressions. Much to his shock, confusion, and probably everybody but Danzo's amusement, Naruto walked up to Danzo and punched him in the balls on the way out the door.

"What the hell was that all about?" Koharu asked as Homura made a snerk sound behind his hand as Danzo pulled himself together and tried to pretend that the last minute or so hadn't happened.

"No idea." he replied. "But, if you guys came here to sit there and whine about how I do my job in order to alleviate your own boredom, I've got a couple missions you could be doing instead."

"Please not the cat retrieval. Please not the cat retrieval. Please not the cat retrieval." Homura muttered as he pulled out a couple D-ranked mission scrolls.

"Lady Shijimi's cat has indeed gone missing yet again." he started, trying to keep an evil smirk off his face as he watched his former teammate rapidly pale. "But fortunately for you, young Kabuto's teammates have pissed him off again and he has requested them for the mission."

Homura gave an almost exaggerated sigh of relief at this. He'd made the mistake of giving his council the cat retrieval mission before, and well, technically Tora was Tora II. Offering Lady Shijimi that orphaned kitten that was quite obviously part Uchiha Nin-neko was probably one of the stupidest mistakes he'd made since, if his ninja learned that he was responsible for the new and far more competent Tora having been unleashed upon Konoha, there would likely be a mass mutiny during which he'd be ripped to shreds by any number of scarred and traumatized Genin.

"The fountains in Tobirama Memorial Park do need cleaning, as do the restrooms at Hashirama Elementary." he replied as he handed over a pair of scrolls. "I'll leave it up to you to sort out who does what."

"Aw crap." Homura muttered as he handed the fountain scroll over to Danzo.

"That's exactly what's in the fountains. Unfortunately, I will be unable to take either mission since I have _other responsibilities _to tend to." Danzo replied as he handed it back, and left Koharu with the restroom cleaning scroll as he departed.

"You know," Koharu said as she moved to hand the scroll back to the Hokage "I really have to..."

"Sorry." he said, yet again reminding his teammates of this fact despite the fact that they conveniently "forgot" every time they were given a mission they didn't like. "You accepted the mission the second you took the scroll."

"But, Danzo..." Homura started.

"You shouldn't have let him hand your scroll back and let him leave afterward. Now get to work." he said, savoring the moment as he had decades of pranks to get back at them for.

One of these days he was going to get Danzo. The fact that his rival was such a wily bastard would make his potential future victory all the more sweeter. And, on that day, he just hoped that he had that mission from that rich bastard who kept hiring Genin to wipe his ass set aside.

* * *

"I'd like to see the Senju family tree please." Iruka said, deciding to finally put Naruto's claims of being related to the first two Hokages to rest either way and figuring that having proof to back him up would be useful.

He wondered why the librarian gave him a look like he'd just picked up a cute little rabbit for no damn reason, slaughtered it, and left it on her doorstep right up until the librarian came back carting a scroll that was practically the size of his apartment behind her. The fact that Naruto had gone looking through that for a relationship, any relationship with the Shodai and Nidaime Hokages spoke volumes of his determination. Either that, or the boy had given up, and spouted something that sounded likely and figured that nobody would bother slogging through the massive document which had a special table built for it in one of the back rooms.

One of the first things he'd noticed about the scroll that detailed the history of the clan that had pretty much all decided to go civilian before it practically disintegrated over the last two generations when the Senju started marrying into every other clan and family in and around Konoha was that the Uzumaki name was far more common than any other on the scroll aside from that of the Senju. It started with one or two here and there, and then there were more, and more, and more until practically half the scroll was Uzumaki.

After using his speed skimming skills which allowed him to grade thirty tests over his lunch hour to seek out Naruto's name, he found it after one false start where he'd paused on a "Uzumaki Nagato". One of the first things he did when he came across the Uzumaki's name was nearly have a heart attack when he saw who was listed as the boy's father. Then, realizing that it was quite likely a prank that Naruto had pulled when he was looking through the scroll, he resolved to have words with the boy about tampering with important documents. It wasn't like the Yondaime would've done something so heinous as sealing the Kyuubi into his own son after all.

Going back, he found that unless this too was a result of the boy's tampering Naruto was at least double related to the Shodai Hokage considering the fact that his aunt had married one of Naruto's ancestors, and the fact that Hashirama's wife Mito was the second cousin of another of Naruto's ancestors. As it turned out, he himself was related to the Shodai and Nidaime Hokages through one of their first cousins on their father's side.

Well, it would seem that Naruto wasn't telling tall tales about being related to the Shodai and Nidaime Hokages, but then again three quarters of the village including his sole Uchiha student appeared to be related to them through various Senju. The question of who it was who kept track of such things was answered when a new name appeared in the small Inuzuka section of the scroll while he was playing Six Degrees of Hashirama just for the hell of it.

* * *

Asuma sighed as he spotted the waist high mop of yellow that had suddenly appeared by his side. The prank he'd pulled on his father would've been better if a) the boy hadn't latched onto him, and b) his father was more aware of the reason why Naruto had suddenly decided to camp out in his office, since the little blond bugger was apparently good at keeping secrets when he wanted to. Having Naruto around was cramping his style since the boy was loud, and annoying, and...

"...And then I punched that evil One-eyed Danzo man in the balls, and then..."

...The best little brother a guy could ask for.


	3. History

The Sandaime frowned at the note that had hit his desk. Had his predecessors not been Senju, this note would not have hit his desk due to a longstanding rule that he'd forgotten to do away with when he'd come into office since the matter in question rarely ever came up. It was a minor issue, but it was curious nonetheless. The Senju family tree which hadn't been looked at in at least a decade had been looked at twice in the last two months. Curious about why it would be so popular, and realizing that this would be a good excuse to play hooky from his paperwork and get outside for once, he decided to investigate.

Stretching, he got up and headed outside, making several stops along his roundabout journey to the library to greet and briefly converse with random citizens and ask the numerous small children who'd stopped to greet him about their day. Eventually, he reached his destination, being sure to greet the team of Genin who were busy reshelving books on his way to the librarian's desk. The librarian, a Jounin whose job was to protect the books as well as hand them out as there were any number of books and documents that could not leave the library stored in the building, was rather dismayed to learn that he wanted to see the Senju family tree.

After a rather long wait during which he'd helped a young Chunin find a book he hadn't realized he'd been looking for since he'd been going about the problem of training a secondary affinity so he could become a Jounin differently, the librarian returned with the document he'd requested. The man hauled it out of the back room with some difficulty and dragged it into one of the reading rooms meant for maps and larger scrolls. The difficult handling of the document was somewhat understandable, considering the fact that it had grown exponentially in the decades since he'd last seen it.

Stepping into the reading room as the librarian left to help another patron, he unfurled the massive scroll with some difficulty. The Senju family scroll was a village treasure, a miracle of the Sealing arts which had been created by the Uzumaki for their allies. Nothing like it had been seen before or since though many had tried to recreate it. Looking at it for the first time in decades, he traced the names of friends and comrades long gone, his finger pausing at the name of his sensei. By chance, his old eyes flicked down and to the side slightly, and his heart leapt into his throat. He couldn't possibly have overlooked...

Yes, it was indeed there for all to see. Right above the listing for Uzumaki Naruto were Uzumaki Kushina and Namikaze Minato's names.

* * *

The librarian who was on duty at the time was alerted to a potential crisis when he heard muffled thumps coming from one of the reading rooms, the reading room in which he'd left the Hokage with the Senju family tree in fact. When he entered the room in question it was only to find the Hokage slamming his head against...

"Hokage-sama, will you please stop slamming your head against that, it is an extremely valuable and irreplaceable document." he cried, distressed at the potential destruction of one of Konoha's greatest treasures. Seldom looked at, but a treasure nonetheless.

"Sorry, sorry." the Hokage said, taking pity on the poor librarian who took his job very seriously. "I want you to place this in the restricted section and not allow anyone to look at it for the next...ten years."

"Yes Hokage-sama." he replied before carrying out the order without hesitation.

As far as the librarian was concerned, it was fine by him and would be fine by his colleagues, two of whom had nearly thrown their backs out retrieving and maneuvering that particular priceless artifact even with the aid of a number of jutsus and the special cart that was meant to make the thing easier to move around. He was somewhat curious as to why the document had suddenly become restricted though.

When the Hokage had left to tend to other duties, he decided to have a peek. It seemed to be a rather ordinary family tree considering the illustrious line to whom it belonged, though it was surprisingly heavily populated by Uzumaki. Perhaps that was the reason. They'd been trying to expunge the Uzumaki from the history books over the last decade, so perhaps they were now trying to hide the last of the ties between the Uzumaki and the Senju. It made sense.

Rolling the scroll up without once noticing the pair of names above the Kyuubi Jinchuriki's, the Librarian put it away in the secure document storage area, placed a ten-year seal on the door to its new home, and went out for his lunch break. When he reached the restaurant, he spotted an old classmate of his, a red haired fellow named Satoshi who to all appearances was a career Chunin and would remain one until he either died or retired, whichever came first. They decided to have lunch together for old time's sake, and fell to talking as they waited for their meal to arrive. During the conversation, he made an offhand comment about how the Uzumaki were being erased from existence as if they never were. Normally, he wouldn't have said anything about the Demon Brat's alleged family, but the sealing of the Senju family tree had brought the subject to mind, and he'd found himself thinking about it more than usual lately.

"They're what?!" his former schoolmate yelled.

* * *

Naruto grumbled as he did the lines that were assigned to him for his detention. He wouldn't have gotten into that fight if Kiba hadn't been a jerk today. Not that it really was all that much of a fight.

"Naruto," Iruka-sensei said when he was half-way through. "There's something I want to talk to you about."

"Whatever it is, I didn't do it." he said, recognizing his teacher's tone and knowing that the man was going to blame him for something deservedly or otherwise.

"Yes you did!" Iruka-sensei snapped. "And, I want to know why you listed the Yondaime as your father on the Senju family tree."

"I didn't put that on there." he replied honestly. "It's part of the cover-up."

"What cover-up?" Iruka sensei asked.

Oh crap, he'd said too much and now Danzo was going to know that he knew. Asuma-nii had told him about how a bunch of the Old Man's friends had helped him and his mother hide the affair, because if anyone learned that the Hokage was with anyone other than his wife, even though it had been an open marriage and he'd been allowed, the scandal would be... When he'd seen the Yondaime's name above his own on that big family tree thing, he'd been a bit confused until he realized that he must've been one of the people who helped the Old Man hide what was going on. It made sense, considering that the Old Man had named him Hokage shortly before he was born.

"Well, you see, my real father uh..." he said, fishing for something plausible that would leave his real father's name out of it considering the fact that Asuma-nii had told him that if anyone learned about who his father really was, the scandal would be enormous, and that old Danzo bastard would steal the hat from his Old Man.

It was as he was fishing about that he recalled one of the things he was most often called for some strange reason that probably had to do with the fact that the day he was born was the day the Kyuubi attacked Konoha.

"Well, you know how in the old legend Kitsune could take human form and marry..." he said, remembering that book of strange fairy tales he'd rescued from a burn pile.

"Go on." Iruka-sensei said, looking as if he knew he was lying and was only humoring him because he was sure that what he was going to say would be interesting.

What he was going to say next was interrupted by a yell of "I fucking knew it! Everyone told me I was being fucking paranoid until that fucking librarian slipped up and spilled the beans, but I fucking knew it! Konoha ASSHOLES wiping us from history after all we did for them!". Iruka-sensei turned and ran out of the room and down the hall, and he followed after out of curiosity, wondering what was going on. Standing in the hallway holding a history textbook was a woman who looked to be a civilian with auburn hair that was a bit more brown than red.

"Excuse me miss, but exactly what do you think you're doing?" Iruka-sensei asked in that way that never failed to make the class sit down and shut up out of fear despite the fact that he seemed absolutely calm.

"What the hell do you think you're doing you bastard?! Wiping our clan out of the history books like it never was, even after we saved your sorry asses during the first two wars and floated that Senju bastard a loan so he could get this place off the ground! " the woman yelled, waving the book about angrily. "The Uzumaki existed, still exist, and you can't just sweep us under a rug like a dirty little secret, especially after you left us to rot!"


End file.
